Today, I am going to give you a little back story of yours truly. I know there are a lot of people out there in the same boat as me.
I was bullied all through school. Elementary to High School. I was classified as the weird one in my grade. I was the typical "picked last" child. Thankfully, I had a small group of friends.
At the age of 14, I was diagnosed with depression. I always felt alone; even though I had loved ones who cared, smothering me. I ran away and was put in a Juvenile Detention Center. I spent a year on probation.
I snuck out of the house one night to hang out with friends. My parents figured it out real quick. That night, I had unwanted sex.
I started burning myself, talking to guys that were too old for me. When my parents found out, I felt so isolated. I had a severe panic attack and I ended up cutting almost all my hair off and tried to kill myself. They put me in the hospital for a couple of weeks and put me through therapy.
When I got back to school, everyone noticed my obvious change in appearance. The snickering and loud whispers began. The friends I told you about before... turned on me and all of a sudden I was eating lunch a lone. No one to see between classes.
I was pulled out of school until "further notice". A few weeks went by and they decided to move us to a different town. It was nice not knowing anyone and not being known as the suicidal weirdo.
But my mistake... was not changing who I was. No one wanted to get to know me. The one friend I did have was more of an acquaintance than a friend. Why did no one like me?
I started talking to a guy in one of my classes, we hit it off really well. Then everything went down hill again. His crazy ex girlfriend...friend? I'm not sure what she was to him... She was crazy. Telling me to stop staring at her (I didn't even know who she was, or what she looked like), to stop talking to him, she'll kill me if I continue to talk to him. /
So, I backed off. He texts me telling me everything was okay now; she won't be a problem and we are no longer talking. Alright then, awesome! We talk; I kid you not, two days! Guess who I get a text from.. You got it! This chick is ruthless!
While all of this was going on, my parents decided to look through my phone, and found some things they didn't like. I had no phone, my parents weren't talking to me, I had no friends at school, and my brother was a normal teenager, he was never home. I had yet another panic attack. They were getting worse and worse, but I always had someone to talk me through it. I didn't know how to calm myself down and I was supposed to be getting ready for school... what is the point of going back there when I was going to get beat up and still have no one behind me, helping me.
I couldn't calm down, so I decided to take pills. The only thing I could find was benadryl. I took almost the whole bottle (about 50) and got in the tub. My mom came barging in telling me I was late. This is were everything got fuzzy. I somehow got to the hospital and was put in impatient again. I couldn't stand up or walk straight for a few days.
They sent me straight back to school after I got out. They weren't having it anymore. I couldn't blame them, I was hurting them. There is so much you can do, before you start to give up. We moved again.
I started at another school. A week after that, my grandma passed away. It was the worst feeling. Combining all of my panic attacks together, it still wouldn't have been as bad as how I felt then. Instead of taking the pain and projecting it on myself, I told myself I wasn't going to hurt myself ever again. My grandma was the only one that never saw me any differently. I'm going to prove to everyone and myself that I am strong.
I moved out of my parents at 18 years old to be with my now fiance. I was put on antidepressants again a little over a year ago (I'm now 23) due to my physical depression.
For you who don't know, or skeptical of depression. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and can effect you in all kinds of ways. Lucky for me, my emotional health and anxiety was much better. I was gaining more and more weight. I never wanted to get up and do anything, I had no motivation what so ever. I loved playing with Zoey, but I never wanted to get up and play.
When I started taking my medication, I got up, worked out, cleaned, I was starting to keep up with everybody. It was so nice having a clear mind for once.
Fast forward to present day. I'm 27 weeks pregnant and an emotional wreck. My depression and anxiety are going crazy. I had my first suicidal thought since I was 16 years old. I felt horrible! I knew I would never go through with it, but I felt guilty and ashamed because I had one tiny thought about leaving Zoey and Josh. Hurting the precious baby I'm growing. I immediately called my doctor and together we are working together to help me get better. My doctor and Josh.
So, how do I overcome my depression? I focus on the important things in life. It took me a long time to figure it out. I had to lose my grandma to figure it out. I found a reason to not hurt myself (grandma) and I found my rock that reminds me everyday that I have a reason to keep going (Zoey, Josh, Connor).
It might take awhile to find those reasons, but you will. Don't be afraid to ask for help. When you are having a panic attack.
- Breath
- Move
- Call/Text someone and tell them what is going on.
- Go online, look at things you like
- Write it down
I am not alone and neither are you.
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