My Insecurities

My insecurities are a big part of my life. Why? Well, because I have a lot. I'm going to try and explain them as best as I can, but sometimes my words can get all jumbled and confusing. Which brings us to my first terrifying insecurity.

1. A.D.D/ Misunderstood 

I am an extremely quiet person for a reason. Not because I have nothing to say. Not because I'm not listening. It is because I doubt myself. Either, "that's going to come out wrong", or "they are going to think that's stupid". When I do decide to speak up, it usually comes out as a jumbled mess. After years and years of having this insecurity, I just don't talk. Now, when my family jokes around and says "Shut up Morgan, no body likes you", I can't help but get upset even though I know they are joking and don't mean it.

2.My Body (image)

Yes, obviously! I'm 5 feet tall and overweight. I'm a weird looking lady. I have a mom bod that's for sure. I have huge boobs that have taken gravity way too seriously, I have stretch marks everywhere, the same thing that happened to my boobs also happened to my belly (thank you Zoey). I have oily skin which means I have always had acne like a girl hitting puberty. I have thunder thighs! And not the attractive kind! I have huge calves (and will never go away) do to my dad's genes. I have a big nose, my arms are big. The only body parts that look normal are my wrists, ankles, and feet! I'm sure they will swell up in the next 5 weeks or so when I'm even bigger. I love that I have Josh that thinks differently of me. He will love my body till the end. 

3. My Body (my innards)

My actual health sucks too. Lets start with my PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is a hormonal (estrogen and progesterone imbalance) disorder causing enlarged ovaries with cysts. I have irregular menstrual cycles, unwanted hair, my weight doesn't come off easily, my makes my depression worse, makes my acne worse, and the biggest... It is extremely hard for me to get pregnant. I am very lucky to be able to have children though, because a lot of women with PCOS are infertile. Our bodies are designed to make babies! When your body can't even sustain a life, it makes you really think. When we lost our first baby, I cried and cried, feeling like I was defective. No body would want to be with me if I can't have babies. My baby girl is one true miracle and so will my baby boy.

I have had chronic abdominal pain for 3 years now (to sum up my experience... I'd rather be in labor then go through what I do)  and no one has been able to figure it out. Between 2 family doctors, the ER doctors (literally no help from them, not even medicine to stop the pain), and a Gastroenterology. I have had so many studies done, so much blood taken, and countless hours in waiting rooms and listening to them telling me everything came back negative. It has caused me some serious mental grief. I know people try and help, giving me suggestions like gallbladder, heartburn, food allergy, acid reflux, irritable bowel syndrome. Many different suggestions, but I hear it every time. My doctors have tested for it or ruled it out. Like my doctor just put me on acid reflux medication.. again. It's not acid reflux, you know why, WE ALREADY TRIED THIS!

I have moderate dysplasia, which means I have precancerous cells, and those cells are on my cervix. It is a lot scarier when it is actually you going through it. Especially not being able to do anything about it until baby boy is here. Josh keeps telling me that it won't progress into cancer that fast, but cancer is not very predictable. 

4. My lifestyle

I love being a stay at home mom, I get to spend all my time with Zoey and soon enough baby boy. I do considerate it a job; but many people don't, because I'm not getting a paycheck every week. I have only had one job in my life and that was a grocery store that treated it's employees like crap. I was switched to the graveyard shift after volunteering to cover a co workers position for a week. After she came back, I was never switched back to 2nd shift. I had a manager that harassed everyone and sexually harassed the females. Whenever someone reported him, he would pull the "race-card". They fell for it of course, even though there was plenty of diversity in the store. I cried countless times. In the end.. it just didn't work out. 

I don't have my high school diploma or a GED. I dropped out of high school Junior year to move in with my fiance, which was a state away. I did a state program a couple years later, which let me go to high school online. I was passing all of my classes and then we moved do to roommate issues. When we moved, I didn't have any access to my classes and was kicked out for missing so many days, even though I tried explaining, they didn't help me get back in. 

I don't have my license. My parents didn't allow any of my siblings to get their license until they were 18 years old. I moved out before I had the chance to. Moving to another state meant, having to retake the permit test and I still needed some more practice. Here in Ohio, if you have a permit, you have to have someone over 25 years old in the car while driving. Well, my fiance didn't turn 25 until last year. I would ask and ask to drive, but it never happened. My fiance finally decided that he didn't have the patience to ride with me and now I have a diving session with the local driving school. I CAN DRIVE! I'm just rusty. 

So, rounding up all that information. I don't have a paying job, I don't have a diploma, and I don't have a license. I sound like a dead beat.. 

 5. My Parenting 

Zoey is a very stubborn child, if she doesn't want to do something, she won't. Seriously, there is no forcing her. So, being a typical toddler, she doesn't eat. She will eat poptarts, fries, chips, hot dogs, cheese, chicken nuggets/strips, bananas, and carrots. Other than that nothing. We've tried reducing her liquid intake, not giving in (if you don't eat this, you don't eat at all), and waiting for the phase to pass. Nothing has changed for a year. Yes, she has been going through this for a year. 

She has a speech delay. Right after she turned one, she randomly stopped talking. She didn't say a word, not even mama or dada. We weren't going to put her in any kind of speech until after age 2. They are still really young and will talk when they want to. We were forced to put her in speech by the state (there is more to that story). It took her months to warm up and talk to her therapist. Then we had to switch therapists due to their scheduling. We went to see this therapist for about a month and Zoey was starting to regress and we were moving pretty far from the therapist, so we took her out all together. Since then we have been working hard. She is still having troubles with her sentences. She will say "bye-bye 'name'", "right back" instead of I'll be right back. She will try and repeat me, but most of the time she can't pronounce the word correctly. Even sounding it out. Usually its with words that have more than one syllable. Instead of calling Josh "daddy" (which she can say), she calls him "Bi". Yes, like the sexuality. No, it has nothing to do about his sexuality. I guess it's just a nickname.  

She hasn't gone to see a dentist yet. I don't think she needs to go yet. She will be going this upcoming year after she turns three, but I think one and two are too young. I keep an eye on her teeth and she brushes. Plus, with the speech delay, she doesn't really understand when I explain things to her. If the dentist is traumatizing to adults, how would a toddler that doesn't know whats going on feel? Going easy on her or not, I'm not going to put her through that. 

She isn't potty trained. She is almost three and still doesn't know how to go in the big girl potty. She does great naked and going potty in her portable potty, but the minute I put underwear on her, she doesn't realize she isn't wearing a pull up. Which takes us back to her not being able to understand me. We work on it everyday though.

BUT...

She is extremely smart believe it or not. She can count 5-10 (I dont know why it's those numbers), she knows all of her colors, animals, she can point out the letters: B, E, M, O. She is amazing with puzzles and her hand-eye coordination is probably better than mine, haha. Kidding. She is so intuitive. She examines everything and watches how it works. She is definitely smart like her daddy.